Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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