my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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