His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
