this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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