a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Naked. naked and bneed help.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
