dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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