every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
