I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
