all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
