Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
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I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
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just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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