it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
did i just pee glitter
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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