So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
