So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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