Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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