There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Send help, water and tortillas.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
