When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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