we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
