I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
dude. I can hear the air.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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