Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
