mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
