FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
