Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
