I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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