Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
