Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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