After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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