I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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