The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up