your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
