haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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