What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
