I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
