do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
