I haven't been this sober since birth.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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