We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize