i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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