It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
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So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
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I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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