it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
