shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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