She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
