See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
