I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
