hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
