can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
