I think my fart just growled at me.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
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