Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
