Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
