Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
