Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
