I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
