I accidentally had phone sex last night
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
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It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
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The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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