my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
