I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
