I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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