I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize