if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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