how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
