Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
